How to honor your feelings and practice self-compassion and acceptance
If something goes wrong, with what kind of inner voice do you speak to yourself? Probably, it’s the judgy tone with a sad note. “Why did you buy this cream, it’s too expensive” or “You should have reacted more firmly to this man. Why did you let him push you away? Why are you so weak?"
Since we do not know how to have compassion for ourselves, our self-esteem, behavior in society, even our appearance suffers. As a child, we explored how adults behave, heard what they were talking about. Therefore, already in adulthood, we start acting just the way our role models did. We are sure that this is the standard for adults. And these values, inherent in us from an early age, form our inner voice, which, like a stone during the surf, is sharpened depending on the "storm" of emotions in life.
They say that your love for yourself starts from you and does not depend on how others perceive and love you. If you consider yourself not smart enough, trust me, people who communicate with you will feel it.
So how to get it through the low self-esteem and absence of self-care? How to change our subconscious actions? These are the questions we’ll answer in this article.
What is Self-Compassion?
As we said earlier: the values inherent in us from childhood accompany us in adulthood. If during a certain situation the value and perception of ourselves do not coincide, we begin to nag ourselves that we are not good enough and unworthy of something. The easiest way is to be strict and demanding towards yourself. But if I say that there is another way? Practice self-compassion.
Self-compassion is a positive attitude towards one's individual, a certain construct that can be measured experimentally, through observation. Compassion has three parts: kindness, general humanity, and mindfulness.
When situations go out of control and the expectation does not coincide with your actions, instead of sharp and offensive criticism, you need to accept the situation, forgive yourself for mistakes and move on. It doesn't matter if you did something or just thought differently than you “should” or “as you were taught”, just be kind to yourself, accept yourself as the highest value.
When walking on the street you notice a person's behavior that does not coincide with your worldview, what do you do? It is unlikely that you start lecturing him. And what prevents you from doing this to yourself? Perceive your shortcomings and difficulties that you are currently experiencing, as part of your life in this world. Remind yourself that most people are going through this, everyone feels the same way as you do now. You cannot behave in isolation from others. You are a part of society, like me, like that girl on the bus stop, as every person on this planet.
When you are kind to yourself and accept the general humanity, a very important element will be self-care. For example you've said something wrong to the saleswoman in the store and you feel disgusted because you did the wrong thing. It is very important to analyze the situation without exaggeration or understatement of what has been done: “Why did you say so? Did she do something bad first? Or you just were tired after stress at work?”. Maintain a balance between excessive self-reflection and complete avoidance of emotion about what was done. Openly accept your emotions.
Since self-compassion is a measurable trait, there is a relation between a person with and without compassion, how each of them interacts in society. Those people who feel compassion for themselves, feel like they are a valuable part in society, they are satisfied with life and enjoy the little moments. Such people are less likely to experience depression, fear, shame, and unconfirmed anxiety about little things. On the contrary,those people who strongly criticize themselves, forbid feeling “bad” emotions, are more often prone to mental disorders of the body, constantly get sick, and feel tired. And also such people cannot build healthy relationships, because without compassion and evaluation of their personality they allow themselves to be disrespectful to others, depend on someone else's opinion, etc.
How to Start Practice Self-Compassion?
We cannot change our values by 180 degrees, because they are deeply rooted in consciousness. But we can reduce their impact on our lives. And we will do it through compassion for ourselves. This is not the same as selfishness, do not be confused.
Empathy means being kind and sensitive to yourself, accepting your personality, no matter how imperfect it may be, understanding that all your mistakes are an opportunity for growth and development. Cultivating self-compassion is an integral part of the job. This trait can be safely added to your resume, in the Personal qualities column.
Learning to express this feeling to yourself is not easy. And before you start practicing compassion, you need to prepare. A child lives in each of us, the one who was offended in childhood, was not appreciated and wasn’t praised. Now think about how you would communicate with such a child if you met him or her now. Probably, it would be full of care, tenderness, love, and mindful conversations. Now, when some situation happens to you, where you want to criticize yourself, “talk to your inner child”.
Just don't confuse self-care (compassion) with physical needs. Applying cream to your face or eating a delicious dinner is not self-compassion. This is a protective reaction of the body to hide behind everyday needs, to mask the true reasons for feelings of fear, guilt, anger, etc. Yes, going for a massage or going on vacation is also a good thing. But it is worth identifying the true reason for this need: treating a sore back and a vacation with the family or just a way to enjoy yourself after you’ve stressed out your inner child.
As we experience negative emotions when we are offended and angry, it will be difficult to start practicing compassion. Just do not give up, in any case! The fact that you are reading this article already speaks of your great desire to become the best version of yourself, to love the whole range of your emotions and grow as a person! Self-compassion means that we understand and accept all unpleasant moments with kindness, constantly thinking that imperfection is a part of a person and his life experience. Therefore, we have prepared 8 ways for you to show empathy for yourself.
8 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
This collection was created based on personal experience. We recommend that you stick to these methods gradually, rather than all at once. Once you understand that you are doing well at this point, start practicing the next. This way you will not burn out, but only increase your desire to learn. So, let's begin.
Breaking the Habit of Comparing Yourself With Others
Comparison with someone in our life occurs constantly. I think everyone had it. This comes from childhood when we were told: “And Alex got A, why did you get B?”.
Now social networks have appeared, where every day we see photos of successful people, stars from screens, etc. Having seen enough, we “pass” these photos through the prism of our life and what we get: we live worse, we cannot achieve this, and similar thoughts that push us into the abyss of low self-esteem. STOP!
Reduce expectations, because it will lead to no good. The lower the self-esteem, the more the person compares him(her)self to others. But keep in mind that you have no idea what's behind that Instagram photo. Remember that there is always someone more successful, skinnier, with a higher salary, etc. C’est la vie. Focus on your life, plan your vector and move along it without chasing others. It's much better to compare today’s yourself with your version of yesterday's one. Analyze and think how you should be proud of developing your version.
Compete for Less and Appreciate More
It is impossible to enjoy life when you constantly want to be better than someone else. Competitions take up your precious time. We have 86,400 seconds every day. Do you want to take away hundreds of them and spend on thinking of another person? No.
To stop living “in competition” you need to celebrate your achievements. For example, if you are a copywriter, you love writing, readers admire your job, and you also get paid for this. Wonderful life, isn’t it? If you can't keep your progress in mind, write it down in a gratitude journal. And review it every day, adding as a new achievement appears.
Yes, sometimes competition is beneficial because it forces you to do something. But you don't need to compete all your life. Appreciate precious seconds of your time, your actions, and yourself! The faster you do this, the more time you will have to enjoy life, its features, and charms.
Be Mindful
To achieve mindfulness, try mediations we’ve talked about in the previous blog post. The point is to disconnect from the world and feel your emotion.
For example, you canceled a meeting with a friend because you were tired in the morning and just wanted to stay at home. You catch yourself thinking that you did something terrible. A friend responds that she’s upset with you. Disconnect from this situation. Instead of saying to yourself, “I’m a terrible person,” say the following: “Yes, I am upset and maybe a little angry with myself. But there is nothing wrong with that. Nobody was hurt and everything is fine”.
Continue like this. Consciously increase self-compassion. Let the emotion happen. Don't pay too much attention to them, but don't try to hide them either. Just let it happen and let it go.
Practice Gratitude
Remember the last time you said thank you to YOURSELF? Do it now. Say thank you to yourself for breathing, playing sports, or even for being able to scratch where it itches at any moment.
The feeling of gratitude affects us very much. So instead of expecting and wanting what you don't have, start noticing the moments where you are grateful. Express it to yourself. You can go for a walk, looking at the city, nature, thank yourself for some, it seemed, little things. Speak to yourself in a gentle and pleasant voice, lower your tone. Shift your focus from flaws to the beauty of the outside world and realize that you are a part of it. This is wonderful!
Celebrate Other People
Do not think that you can go through all the difficulties alone. Sometimes we just need other people. The main thing is to understand this in time and stop hiding in the shell, like a hermit crab.
There are people around you who, like you, worry about their imperfection and couldn’t learn self-compassion. If you cannot understand that each of us is not perfect, then it will be difficult for you to admit your imperfection. Be kind to yourself and accept that our shortcomings unite us all, and not vice versa.
You can turn your imperfect trait into a huge feature. Perhaps they will even recognize you by it. But to do this, first, you need to accept yourself completely, no matter who you are.
Focus on the Journey
Do you usually chase trends or live as you’d like? Do you place achievements above enjoying little things? Do you prefer the journey itself or only the fact that you’ve been in the fancy place which the bloggers and businessmen talk about?
For example, enjoy not the pursuit of the Maldives, but other facts: "I really made money for this trip on my own and now I can proudly run like a wind on the beach." Enjoy the process of achieving your goal: do not plow 24/7 to take a selfie against the background of white sand and not be happy about it, because you ruined your health at work. While going to this goal, enjoy the "walking" itself.
A very common mistake is that if we have a cool car, a successful business, and a million dollars, then we will be happier and love ourselves more. But, is it so?
Be OK with Imperfection
An equally important step on the path to developing self-compassion is the ability to treat your imperfections normally. You can be lazy, sensitive. So what?
We are always afraid that if we confess we’ve done something “bad” then we will be rejected by the family or close ones. This fear lives in us all the time. But you need to learn to accept yourself, then self-esteem will not suffer. And if everything is in order with self-esteem, then you will not be bothered by someone's words. Even those told by the parents.
The moment you accept your flaws, the tension goes away. You stop worrying about trifles, getting angry with yourself, humiliating, and devaluing your feelings. Live this imperfection. I repeat that this is a part of you and without it, you would not be you.
Turn Comparison into Inspiration
All of these points are designed for you to be more self-compassionate. But if you do them through force and think that it will work, nothing will work.
Only when you understand the need for rules, get inspired by them - everything will work out. Each rule should not be a rule, but the meaning of life that inspires you to create. If you have a great desire to learn self-compassion, you will complement the methods with your practices and share them with others.
For example, start with a close social circle. Help your friends love themselves and they will help you. Because everyone has disadvantages and huge advantages.
Conclusion
This article is a message to those who are disappointed in themselves and their lives. You are beautiful! You are worthy of every charm in this life, every ray of the sun and a drop of rain. Love yourself inside, be compassionate to yourself, accept all imperfections and negative emotions. Let every moment in your life happen and let it move on. And you follow your vector of development. And everything will work out!